REN: Well Stimpy, what's on TV
tonight?
STIMPY: Oh joy! Hey Ren, it's
"Commander Hoëk and Stimpy"! Happy happy happy, joy joy joy!
(Stimpy disappears at high speed.)
STIMPY: My favourite live-action
drama! Don't let it start, don't let it start!
(Stimpy returns wearing Cadet Stimpy
outfit with space helmet, and salutes Ren.)
STIMPY: Roger. A-OK. Activate
viewscreen. I can't watch this show without my...
Stimpy produces rings...trusty Commander
Hoëk Radar Decoder Ring, my *official* Commander Hoëk Space Helmet, not to
mention your genuine Super-Elastic Time Shorts (bet you don't have a pair of
THESE, Earthling), AAANND...
Stimpy sticks out his tongue...my
Anti-Gravity Bubble Gum!
ANNOUNCER: All systems go! Prepare
for countdown! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Blast
off to adventure in the amazing year Four Hundred Billion, with Commander Hoëk
and his faithful companion, Cadet Stimpy! As they roam the endless uncharted
regions of space at speeds so fantastic they boggle the imagination!
[on bridge]
REN: Prepare to surge to sublight
speed.
(Stimpy presses button. Alarms go
off, etc. Ren and Stimpy grimace.)
REN: En..gage..
(Spaceship accelerates insanely, and
they both scream.)
ANNOUNCER: You'll see futuristic
technologies! Thrilling headgear! Spine-tingling toast! Be there! Scour the
spaceways! Explore vast ALIEN WORLDS!
[Alien planet. Ren and Stimpy are
both in a giant spacesuit.]
REN: Come in, Cadet Stimpy. Do you read
me?
STIMPY: (Stands up next to Ren)
Cadet Stimpy here. We read you. Roger.
(Roger appears next to them.) Roger
here.
ANNOUNCER: OK space cadets! Prepare
to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode...
("Space Madness" title
appears)
[Interior of spaceship. Ren and
Stimpy are on the bridge.]
REN: Cpatain's log. Commander Hoëk
here, on a thirty-six year mission to the Crab Nebula. We've made this trip
dozens of times. (to audience) You know, they say sometimes people go CRAZY on
these long trips. They get the, eh...(in unearly voice) SPACE MADNESS. (normal)
Heh. Space madness. Mr Science Officer, commence relaxation period.
STIMPY: Aye aye, Cap'n.
[Ren ans Stimpy at table. Mellow
lounge music.]
REN: Well it's break time. We'r not
on duty for another six years.
STIMPY: So...whaddaya wanna do?
REN: Why don't we just spend some
quality time together?
(Stimpy nods. They sit and stare at
each other. Stimpy starts tapping table. It gradually gets on Ren's nerves.)
REN: (finally breaks) Do you HAVE to
keep TAPPING like that? You BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM!
STIMPY: Hey, Cap...ease off.
REN: Oh, hey...I'm sorry, man.
I...(loosens collar) I've just been cooped up here so long.
STIMPY: I think we *both* need a
good hot meal. Just hang on, OK? (returns with covered dish)
REN: Mmmmm, boy. I'm starting.
STIMPY: (lifts lid. Three tubes of
food concentrate) How about that! A three course meal.
REN: That's IT! I need some REAL
FOOOOOOO! (bangs head on table)
STIMPY: (concerned, as Ren starts to
cry) Relax, Cap'n. I'm here for you. Let it out. That's right. Hey! I know what
you need!
[bathroom]
STIMPY: Yes, sir, a good hot bath is
the best thing for nerves.
(Ren hands Stimpy a towel. Stimpy
makes rattail, snaps Ren with it.)
REN: Owww! Hey! Cut that out!
(relaxing in bathtub) Ahhhhhh.
(looks around guiltily as suspicious bubbles appear in bathwater)
STIMPY: I'll turn off the gravity.
It'll help you relax.
REN: What a pal. Ahhh. Thi is the
good life. Just relax...and let my mind drift.
(Ren and water float out of the tub
together) Yeahhhh. I'll just relax, and think pleasant thoughts...Chicken pot
pie!...Chocolate-covered raisins!...Ehh...Glazed ham!...
(Ren drifts around the room)
Heh...heh...heh...they think I'm CRAZY. But I know better. It is not *I* who am
crazy. It is not I who am MAD! Didn'tcha hear 'em? Didn'tcha see the CROWDS?
(Ren holds up bar of soap) Oh my
beloved icecream bar...how I love to lick your creamy center!
HOOOWWWWWW...(bites soap)...and your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! You're not
liek the others...you like the same things I do! Waxed paper...boiled football
leather...dogbreakth...We're not hitchhiking anymore! We're RIDING!
STIMPY: Stop it! You'r talking
crazy!
REN: (suddently paranoid) Oh no, I
know what YOU want. You covet my ICECREAM BAR!
STIMPY: C'mon now...
REN: No you don't! You can't take it
from me now. I've had this icecream bar since I was a CHILD! People...always
trying to take it from me! Why won't they LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONNNNE?
STIMPY: E...easy, now.
REN: Back off, man! (grabs
toothbrush) Don't make me use this! One stop closer, I'm WARNING ya! Don't make
me use it! (Stimpy steps closer) NOW you've done it. YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!
(horrible sounds as Ren brushes his
teeth. They struggle. Ren loses)
REN: Eeee...eh...I'm hurting.
(collapses)
STIMPY: You poor crazy kid!
[Bridge. Ren dictates into log.]
REN: Captain's log. I'm tired. So
tired. I can't believe my own partner attacked me. Maybe...if I occupy his MIND
with more DUTIES, I can control his...(unearthly voice) SPACE MADNESS.
[Button room] REN: Now, listen,
Cadet. I've got a JOB for you. See this button? (Stimpy reaches for the button)
DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the HISTORY ERASER button, you FOOL!
STIMPY: So what'll happen?
REN" That's just IT! We don't
KNOW! Maayyybeee something bad?...Mayyybeee something good! I guess we'll never
know! 'Cause you're going to guard it! You won't TOUCH it, will you?
(Stimpy salutes. Ren leaves.)
REN:
Hehhh...hehhhh...hehhhh...hehhhh...
(Stimpy marches back and forth,
starting at the button.)
ANNOUNCER: Oh, how long can trusty
Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push
the button that could erase his very existence? Will his tortured mind give in
to its uncontrollable desires?
(Announcer grabs Stimpy, forces him
closer to the button.) Can he resist the temptation to push the button that,
even now, beckons him even closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to
eradicate history? At the MERE...PUSH...of a SINGLE...BUTTON! The beeyootiful
SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold
out?
STIMPY: NO I CAN'T!!!EEEEEYAAAHHHH!
(pushes button)
(Alarms go off. Ren, Stimpy, and
Announcer stand around table with button.)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week, as...
(Flash, explosion as they all
disappear.)
That's all for now, tune in next
week!
